We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
