my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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