Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
