At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
