My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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