im about as happy as oj after his trial
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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