Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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