why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
