I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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