Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
