Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
