I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
