if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
