Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
