Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
