I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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