What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
