i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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