My liver just broke up with me...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
