i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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