There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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