we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
