Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
