I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
