I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
