why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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