look no pants
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
