Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my poor anus
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
