I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
