Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
