Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
