I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
