a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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