I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
