Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
