A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize