if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
