i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
