ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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