you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
