Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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