did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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