I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
