So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
