Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
