i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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