I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
