tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
