I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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