Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
