If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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