You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
