just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
