I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just want to make out with him forever
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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