Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
