i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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