well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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