I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
please come you make the beer taste better
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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