Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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